She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
