Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
