you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize