I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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