so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
