remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Randomize
