forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
