I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I wish you could order shots online.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize