i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
Randomize
