You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Randomize
