i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
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