I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Randomize
