just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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