somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
