I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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