My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
