bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
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