we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
