just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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