As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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