theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I think my moral compass just broke
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