i already hear my dad disowning me
I need to stop coming to work sober
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
