please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
