shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
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