...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
The uberlube is also flammable
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
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