Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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