we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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