drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
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