Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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