It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
tell me about the eggs
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize