Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
