i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize