so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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