i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
