I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
