Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
What drink are we having for lunch?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
