I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize