I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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