Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I want a musical about memes.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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