I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
