I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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