none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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