This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
