My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize