I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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