did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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