there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
There's even glitter on my cock...
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