It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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