tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Define "chronic" masturbator.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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