Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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