your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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