i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
