Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
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