i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
