nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
