first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
Randomize
